It’s an odd kind of word – a word with very strong negative connotations. Estrangement is a physical and/or emotional distancing between people who were once friends, or between people who are related. It’s a situation which one of the parties usually finds unacceptable and wishes to see resolved.
Estrangement takes many forms. At best it’s simply that people have grown apart and little or no communication takes place between them any longer. At worst it’s like international relationships back in the 70s and 80s – a cold-war. Sometimes it’s just one person in a family that has fallen out with another, while the rest of the family often try to mediate. At other times there is a painful division that runs right through the family. I once officiated at a funeral where the two factions in the family glared at each other across the open grave. That’s estrangement on steroids.
A family is truly blessed if there is no one in their circle who has become estranged because estrangement is a very common problem.
Christians are not immune to the problem of estrangement – not even when both parties are church-goers and claim the name Christian. During my years of ministry as a Pastor I spent many hours seeking to reconcile Christian brothers and sisters who fell out – very often (in my view) over some relatively petty issue.
I did some thinking about this matter after recently walking into a shop and bumping into someone whom I once considered a friend. The encounter was unavoidable. Suddenly we stood face to face. His body-language made quite clear that he wished he wasn’t there and perhaps he thought the same about me. At that moment the pain of estrangement was very real. We exchanged a very tense greeting and went our respective ways. Later I thought to myself: this is ridiculous – one day we are going to be together in God’s new creation and we will share together in that wonderful new world forever and ever. Why then can’t we get along now? I would like to ask him that question but he won’t talk to me.
One of my earliest pastoral efforts to act as a mediator was between two ladies in our church – both already grandmothers. The estrangement was particularly painful for one lady, who had made several attempts to be reconciled only to be rebuffed. My involvement didn’t help and soon after the other lady and her husband chose to move elsewhere. I consoled the lady who had attempted to be reconciled by pointing her to Paul’s words in Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
It’s tempting to suggest that the problem is a lack of forgiveness. Often it has nothing to do with forgiveness.
One of the most common estrangements of course is between marriage partners. I once had to deal pastorally with a man who committed adultery and walked out on his family. I (along with some church elders) spoke words of rebuke into this man’s life. Because he was a rather prominent church member the matter cost me some sleepless nights. I told him in no uncertain terms that he had the dubious privilege of being the first person ever to give me sleepless nights. He moved away and I didn’t see him for several years. Later I happened to visit the town where he lived and I called on him. I extended the hand of friendship and apologised that I had probably been more severe with him than I should have been. I commented that if he had sought and received God’s forgiveness then it would be wrong of me to harbour any ill-will towards him. We shook hands and went our way. However, the reason why we were in town was to attend a wedding and at the reception we found ourselves sitting opposite each other. That was a most painful evening because every time he opened his mouth I had flashbacks of his anguished family asking why Dad was rejecting them. Despite my attempt to be reconciled I found that estrangement was still a painful reality. It highlighted for me that forgiveness does not automatically solve issues of estrangement.
So what’s the answer? Let me make some suggestions.
1. Search your own heart – if need be with the help of a friend or counsellor – to make sure that you are not the main cause of the alienation.
2. Be willing to be the least and humbly approach the other party with the suggestion that you let the past be in the past and to begin afresh.
3. Draw on the help of mutual friends to begin a process of reconciliation but realise that it takes time. It can take longer to fill the hole than to dig it in the first place.
4. Sometimes past misunderstandings have to be cleared up but it is often better to seek agreement on making a fresh start. God is all about new beginnings.
5. Be realistic that in a fallen world we can’t always put Humpty Dumpty together again. I think that Paul’s advice in Romans 12 is based on that premise.
6. Don’t let the estrangement become a source of bitterness. If that’s happening, you need to learn to hand the matter over to the Lord and leave it there.
John Westendorp