A good friend of mine was diagnosed with a brain tumour. He had been a smoker and so, not surprisingly, they discovered that the cancer had actually started in his lungs. The disease was brutal in its effects but mercifully short. Some weeks after the funeral his widow lamented to me, “Something I am really struggling with is that some folk who I thought were good friends have been totally avoiding me. Anyone would think I had leprosy or some other serious contagious disease.” I pointed something out to her that she not considered at all: the possibility that her friends simply couldn’t cope with death and bereavement. Some folk live fairly sheltered lives and when they are suddenly confronted by death and bereavement in their circle of friends for the first time it’s a huge shock to them.
The Bible calls us to love our neighbours as ourselves and the Apostle Paul called on his readers to bear each other’s burdens. But often that’s far from easy. We struggle at times with our own problems and coping with the problems of others can be an added burden that is just too much to bear. Generally though, we know what we ought to do, the problem is actually doing it, becuase when it comes to the crunch we’re just lost for words.
There was a lady who had just been diagnosed with motor neurone disease. Some of her friends had not called on her but she heard on the grapevine that the reason was that her friends didn’t know what to say to her. The sobering fact was that they simply couldn’t handle her problem. As a pastor I’ve often been told by people that they didn’t know how to handle a certain situation of bereavement or crisis. This is sad, because it not only means that good friendships are under strain but also because we are robbing those in trouble of the support and encouragement that we could and should give them.
Two practical suggestions may help.
First, keep in mind that in a situation of grief or trouble, people really don’t expect us to have all the answers or to solve all the issues – they just need to know that we care. In fact, lots of words and talk, can be off-putting at a time when all we need is someone to put their arm around us. When my father-in-law passed away one person approached us and felt it was necessary to give us a long speech on how we should cope with this situation. In contrast another person just gave us a hug with the words, “We’ll be praying for you.” The latter response was by far the most appreciated in that situation of grief and loss.
Secondly, in times like this honesty helps. If you don’t know what to say to the person why not just ring them up and tell them so? At least that way friendship can continue. When my first wife died I had many friends, acquaintances and parishioners come to offer their condolences. Yet it is interesting that the most memorable one was from a young lady who just gave me a hug and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say!” She didn’t need to say anything, she just showed that she cared.
I find it instructive to read the book of Job in the Bible. You may recall that Job was the man who lost all his possessions, his children and also his health. It’s interesting that when Job’s friends came to comfort him they were overwhelmed by his loss. The story makes this very telling remark: “They sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was.” But the point is that they were there for him. Later when they did open their mouths they got it all wrong anyway. So perhaps the moral of the story is that we should just shut up and be there for people.
John Westendorp